F.A.A.N.G.'s Christmas Card

After many months of silence, it seems that our dear friends at the F.A.A.N.G. have not actually forgotten about us after all.

(If you need a reminder of just what the Feline Association Against Negligence in Grooming & Care is all about - though I'm not sure how you could even begin to forget... I know that my nightmares have yet to stop - click here, or here, or here for a taste of our 'history'.)

They sent us a Christmas Card...


...yeah, that was pretty much my reaction too.

It was one of those custom photo-cards that usually involve sweaters and fireplaces, but I guess the cats wanted to send a little different message. Here's what the inside read...

Sharks - What God wanted to be called 'Catfish', 'til humans messed up the naming process.

Happy Holidays from your 'friends' at F.A.A.N.G.

...go feed your cat!

To: The Probationary Household of Client - Orange Julius "Caesar" Peters
From: F.A.A.N.G. - Public Relations Dept.

It is our desire to convey warm emotions related to the season.
As a result of provisionary compliance in regard to previous notices, we currently have the Peters household under the mandatory 12 month 'probationary surveliance' program. This program follows any and all infractions that might approach or offend against one or more of the traditional nine lives of aforementioned client.
The program will expire for this household on 6/1/2010, pending approval of the assigned field agent.

Please consult the F.A.A.N.G. website for a helpful list of holiday infractions to avoid.

signed,

- Lavernius "Midnight" Olearude
F.A.A.N.G. Local 9L2 (Cleveland-West)
Investigative Rep. #9L2-24

Following the typed note, there was a handwritten - or 'paw-written' I suppose - scrawling across the bottom:

"Dude, the outdoor litterbox your humans installed is AWESOME! You've got to sneak out and try it, it's HUGE! Thanks!"

Needless to say, Mr. Olearude will be getting a terse reply concerning his opinion and misuse of the sand that sits below our swimming pool in the summer months.


...

The other day...

The other day I was casually walking through the living room and I encountered something interesting. It seems that a couple of kids had managed to wrangle themselves an elusive "couch kitty". The following images were hastily snapped on my camera-phone, as I tried to keep a safe distance from the action. Here's a rough narration of how things went down...


Boy: "Good jump, sis! Now hang on 'til he's fully submitted and is placid!"
Girl: "Alright, but get up here and help!"

Girl: "OK, I think I've got him... what variety of couch kitty do you think he is?"

Boy: "I'm not sure, let me see; Orange and White markings, Northeast Ohio, long tail... I'd say we've got ourselves one of the last remaining specimins of 'Felis Caesarus'!"

Girl: "Do you think I should let him go?"

Boy: "Well, that depends on if you want to keep your hand. I'm not liking the look in his eyes..."

At this point in the action, my 'flight' instinct took over and I ran away as fast as I could. I don't know what happened to those children, but one can only hope that they were wise enough to back away from the enraged beast carefully and respectfully.

Obviously this is a fictionalized version of what was really not a story at all. I just wanted a good excuse to post some semi-blurry pictures that I took of the kids' version of cuddling with their cat... who had until just prior to this been blissfully resting on the couch.

Caesar is actually doing really well with the kids (not that he ever wasn't). He's very fond of Ellie's attentiveness to him, and has even been giving Ben the opportunity to pet him on regular occasions.

Things are pretty good.

Our Response to F.A.A.N.G.

Poor Caesar...

This post has its origins back from December. We'd had all those 'unfortunate' reports and nasty letters floating about from the Cat Union, F.A.A.N.G. That's all in the past now, mostly. And well, with Ellie around it seems as though Caesar has found a new perspective on things. He and I sat down and talked... we had visitors coming from all corners of the country in order to pay attention to him... things weren't too bad. The excitement of everyone being in town for the baptism is long since gone, and all the "guest petters" have gone away with it. Then the Christmas holiday let him have some time to think about things at home by himself. He's found that all that's left are the usual humans... perhaps he'll try them again.

This picture was taken back in December... a moment that changed things!
A moment that changed things so that nowadays they look a little more like this...

So Caesar and I thought that it would be appropriate to send the lovely representatives at F.A.A.N.G. a status update, as they indended, in order to share what life is like now...

To: F.A.A.N.G. Local 9L2 (Cleveland-West)Investigative Rep. #9L2-24, Lavernius "Midnight" Olearude, et al

From: Orange Julius "Caesar" Peters and alpha human family member, Matthew

Dear cats,

As requested, we are submitting this follow-up report within the appropriate time limits in order to put aside any doubts that the Feline Association Against Negligence in Grooming & Care (F.A.A.N.G.) has previously had concerning our household and the humans therein.

Let it be known that the matters previously mentioned have been discussed and all parties are readily compliant with the agreements reached.

What's more, we'd much prefer that your monitoring of our situation in the future be restricted to opportunities when one or more parties within our household requests your assistance...

In other words; "Keep your whiskers out of our business!"

Happily,

- The Peters Household

Yep, we're doing ok...

God's Blessings to you and your families (pets included) as well!

...

Caesar's Internet Debut

This new camera-phone thing is going to be dangerous...

(no, none of the fish actually died - the caption is just for comedic effect.)

moar funny pictures

...

F.A.A.N.G.

(This is somewhat old news, but I wanted to share the events of all this in their proper order, so here you go.)

Introducing my 'friend', the local rep. from the Cat Union...

Lavernius "Midnight" Olearude
F.A.A.N.G. Local 9L2 (Cleveland-West)

Investigative Rep. #9L2-24

No, of course that's not actually him. But this is almost exactly the pose and outline of Mr. Olearude as he confronted my house in order to gain attention for his cause.

I tell you, I don't have much respect for unions when they resort to strong-arm (or strong-paw in this case) tactics...

Do you remember how his note of warning sounded so ominous? Well apparently it wasn't merely a shot over the bow. Our kind and lovable Caesar - playful and cuddly on most occasions - has struck me WITH THIS!!!

(Insert Picture... oh wait, I didn't take a picture and it wasn't really bad - so it already healed)


[Please note that this injury is actually very easily explained, though no less surprising and sassy than portrayed. Don't report my cat... yet. Though maybe that's just how THEY want me to react.]

Let me paint the scene for you:

Earlier this week, Ben has gone to bed and Meg and I are sitting on the couch preparing to do so ourselves, when Caesar begins meowing and crying. He whines in the basement, he comes up the steps, goes back downstairs, comes to the doorway of the living room... and won't stop.

Usually this means that he's well out of food and wants me to replenish his stock. (I fill a few large FRIENDS-size coffee cups and he takes a few days to go through them usually.)

But occasionally he'll get greedy and/or finicky and wants 'fresh' dry food.

So he was whining and crying as if the world was coming to an end, and I figured I'd better check on his food since by the way he was complaining it must be absolutely empty. It wasn't.

There were two bowls about 2/3 full... so I said, "No way! You eat what you've got and I'll give you more."

He must not of liked that.

As I turned to walk up the stairs I felt a pain on my foot - at first I thought it was a sliver from our stairs or something - but I looked down and realized that Caesar had caught me from behind and left a cut on the underside of my bare foot. Sometimes he gets playful as you walk away, but this was a bit more than usual.

I turned around and, forgetting that I had been put 'on notice', said some loud words and shared the ability of my other foot to move him. (I didn't 'kick' him... it was one of those 'put your foot against and shove' moves. He was fine!)

Clearly the cat union had encouraged him beyond his usual bounds, I could tell he felt bad - (as did I). However, someone must have coaxed the incident out of him - or perhaps we were within window-sight of one of the neighbor cats - because shortly thereafter I received this:

Dear humans,

Due to recent events, we have found it necessary to prepare the following report and submit it to the F.A.A.N.G.
(Feline Association Against Negligence in Grooming & Care)

Incident Report Type: "kick"

Details: Feline was brought into intentional semi-violent contact with perpetrator's foot/leg extremity. Type II - movement resulting.

Repercussion: Local Feline has right to enact retribution grade 'Yellow' (see official F.A.A.N.G. book of Regulatory Responses) for 30 days following event.

Household is hereby under further probationary review for 90 days.

signed,

- Lavernius "Midnight" Olearude

F.A.A.N.G. Local 9L2 (Cleveland-West)

Investigative Rep. #9L2-24

Caesar and I had a long talk after this - while I trimmed his claws - and I'll be penning a letter to F.A.A.N.G. with his approval in order to clear this whole matter up.

...

dis catz not LOL

Our poor cat has been doing a lot of this lately... just kind of looking for an empty lap to fill.

We can tell that he really likes the kids... its just that he's been conditioned to understand that anyone under four feet tall probably intends to place him in mortal peril.
(Ben has a bad habit of chasing him... which might explain a thing or two.)

We hadn't thought too much of it, until we found this notice:

Dear humans,

Due to recent events, some of which that are determinately within your control, we have found it necessary to prepare the following report and submit it to the F.A.A.N.G.

(Feline Association Against Negligence in Grooming & Care)

It is our responsibility to submit a copy of the report to you (hereafter "the perpetrator(s)") in hopes of immediate compliance and peaceful reconciliation of the local domestic feline, Caesar , to his/her rightful position in the household.
Please await our further correspondence.

signed,
- Lavernius "Midnight" Olearude
F.A.A.N.G. Local 9L2 (Cleveland-West)
Investigative Rep. #9L2-24


When I first found the note I didn't say anything to Meghan, but then I SAW the cat who must have sent it!

A night last week, I heard a scratching noise at the corner of the house where our power line connects from the pole. Odd. Then, Caesar was looking out the front window with more than usual fervor, so I followed his gaze into the neighbor's tree (which our power line goes directly past) and there - a good 10 feet off the ground - on a branch, sat a black cat. It was one of those VERY quiet nights with no wind to speak of, and sure enough the only thing moving was the cat and the cords leading to our house.
When he saw me our eyes met for a second or two, he did that half-look-away-and-back thing that cats do when they're not certain if they feel threatened or not, and in a blink of an eye was back down the tree and running across the street.

I think we've met before...

There are two cats on the street that are always outside and roaming. They're very friendly, as in they run across the street TOWARD you when you get within 50 feet and plop down for some serious purr time.

Now, however, I can only assume that these are nothing more than overly eager representatives of this cat union!

Here's what the 'report' said:

Type of Report: Accommodations complaint
Date of Issue: 11/20/08
Feline requesting inquiry: Orange Julius "Caesar" Peters
Feline responding to inquiry: Lavernius "Midnight" Olearude
Please explain situation: Humans have recently brought home another 'little' human and have channeled already lowered attentions in her direction. This, after two years of frustration in multiple chapter precincts (see attached file from St. Louis local 20L1 re: "neighbor dog" and "little human" tolerance decision). Usual procedures of late-night romping, subtle pilfering, and polite hairball placement have resulted in little or no immediate result. Applicant is seeking permission to administer more serious measures.

I can only assume that our tree-dwelling visitor was indeed this "Midnight", and that the wire was simply too thin for him to do any closer reconnaissance. But I think his observations were complete enough, because just the other day Caesar let forth a full release of his stomach contents on our living room floor! (Incidentally matched at the exact location the next day by our son.)

The gloves are off!
And I may start sleeping with one eye open...

[In all seriousness, our cat has been - and continues to be - a saint. We're been VERY lucky in that department with both the cats we've had. I highly endorse orange and white tabby males who have been picked up as stray kittens in the mid-south areas of St. Louis, MO! Even so, I think I'll go fill his food dish just to be sure...]


...

Cats and Fish

We're swapping the fish.

My "stand up fish" and his little friends are moving to the house, and the gigantor fish from home are going to come to work with me. (More on, "Bring your fish to work day" later.)

This isn't so much of a big deal, really. Two for two... except the tanks are going with them. I'm going from a 2.5 gallon here at the office, to a 15 gallon. Needless to say, its not going to sit on my desk anymore. My son will become the heir-apparent of the "stand up fish" as they will reside in his bedroom.

And as I write this less-than-newsworthy idea out, it occurs to me that I've yet to mention anything about the cat. My cat (well, my son's cat technically, but you know how those things go... it was part of his first birthday presents). Meghan and I just needed a cat again, and now Caesar sits around the house, without a single blog reference made. How sad!

I think that its because I'm becoming more allergic to him. And this disturbs me on a few levels.

First of all, I must share about our first cat, Opie. Opie and I were buds! We got him before children, I was in school (and therefore home a lot doing work), and as an added bonus; he was weird! Loved licking condensation off water bottles and sharing your apple as you ate it. (Seriously, you could put a can of tuna in front of him and he'd look at you completely non-plussed. But you slice a piece of fruit on the other end of the house and he's running to claim some for himself!) We had fun. Sadly, Opie died of a blood-clot a few weeks after we found out that we were expecting our son.

So now we have Caesar, weird in his own right, to be sure. And very friendly, etc.

The problem is ME.

I'm working now, we've got our son (and soon another), and the poor guy gets about as much attention as the fish. Which has given my body time to get used to "not being around" cats - so it thinks. This, combined with the end-of-summer allergens makes it impossible to so much as pet him without having itchy eyes for the rest of the night.

I'm lucky I guess. Its not a REAL cat allergy.

But it concerns me that I'm not home enough to tolerate my own cat's dander.

At least Caesar and the fish all still like me.