Wednesday, December 17, 2008


(This is somewhat old news, but I wanted to share the events of all this in their proper order, so here you go.)

Introducing my 'friend', the local rep. from the Cat Union...

Lavernius "Midnight" Olearude
F.A.A.N.G. Local 9L2 (Cleveland-West)

Investigative Rep. #9L2-24

No, of course that's not actually him. But this is almost exactly the pose and outline of Mr. Olearude as he confronted my house in order to gain attention for his cause.

I tell you, I don't have much respect for unions when they resort to strong-arm (or strong-paw in this case) tactics...

Do you remember how his note of warning sounded so ominous? Well apparently it wasn't merely a shot over the bow. Our kind and lovable Caesar - playful and cuddly on most occasions - has struck me WITH THIS!!!

(Insert Picture... oh wait, I didn't take a picture and it wasn't really bad - so it already healed)

[Please note that this injury is actually very easily explained, though no less surprising and sassy than portrayed. Don't report my cat... yet. Though maybe that's just how THEY want me to react.]

Let me paint the scene for you:

Earlier this week, Ben has gone to bed and Meg and I are sitting on the couch preparing to do so ourselves, when Caesar begins meowing and crying. He whines in the basement, he comes up the steps, goes back downstairs, comes to the doorway of the living room... and won't stop.

Usually this means that he's well out of food and wants me to replenish his stock. (I fill a few large FRIENDS-size coffee cups and he takes a few days to go through them usually.)

But occasionally he'll get greedy and/or finicky and wants 'fresh' dry food.

So he was whining and crying as if the world was coming to an end, and I figured I'd better check on his food since by the way he was complaining it must be absolutely empty. It wasn't.

There were two bowls about 2/3 full... so I said, "No way! You eat what you've got and I'll give you more."

He must not of liked that.

As I turned to walk up the stairs I felt a pain on my foot - at first I thought it was a sliver from our stairs or something - but I looked down and realized that Caesar had caught me from behind and left a cut on the underside of my bare foot. Sometimes he gets playful as you walk away, but this was a bit more than usual.

I turned around and, forgetting that I had been put 'on notice', said some loud words and shared the ability of my other foot to move him. (I didn't 'kick' him... it was one of those 'put your foot against and shove' moves. He was fine!)

Clearly the cat union had encouraged him beyond his usual bounds, I could tell he felt bad - (as did I). However, someone must have coaxed the incident out of him - or perhaps we were within window-sight of one of the neighbor cats - because shortly thereafter I received this:

Dear humans,

Due to recent events, we have found it necessary to prepare the following report and submit it to the F.A.A.N.G.
(Feline Association Against Negligence in Grooming & Care)

Incident Report Type: "kick"

Details: Feline was brought into intentional semi-violent contact with perpetrator's foot/leg extremity. Type II - movement resulting.

Repercussion: Local Feline has right to enact retribution grade 'Yellow' (see official F.A.A.N.G. book of Regulatory Responses) for 30 days following event.

Household is hereby under further probationary review for 90 days.


- Lavernius "Midnight" Olearude

F.A.A.N.G. Local 9L2 (Cleveland-West)

Investigative Rep. #9L2-24

Caesar and I had a long talk after this - while I trimmed his claws - and I'll be penning a letter to F.A.A.N.G. with his approval in order to clear this whole matter up.



Jon and Lani said...

really, matt. you should think about authoring a children's book! you have me rolling! :) is it too much to ask for as many baby Eleanor updates as you post FAANG updates?... :)

Karen said...

That sneaky Lavernius. He really is a rabble rouser. I hope that they don't open a chapter in Wyoming. We don't need Katya and Paws giving us the business.

The White Pigeon Hope - Seeking to "Normalize" the work of the Holy Spirit since 2008.